


you'll never know (what kind of person i become when you're gone)

by marvelaf



Category: Marvel Cinematic Universe
Genre: M/M, Post-Captain America: The Winter Soldier, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-12-14
Updated: 2020-12-14
Packaged: 2021-03-10 19:14:28
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 663
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28072287
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/marvelaf/pseuds/marvelaf
Summary: Bucky remembers bits and pieces.
Relationships: James "Bucky" Barnes/Steve Rogers
Comments: 3
Kudos: 17





	you'll never know (what kind of person i become when you're gone)

The water from the shower had stopped minutes ago, but still, the door to the bathroom had not opened yet. Steve worried around the room, tightening the covers into a perfect military fold, propping the pillows up and triple-checking the locks on the door and windows. His head swims with thought, wondering if Bucky would ever end his misery and leave the bathroom. 

After what felt like years of Steve’s eyes flicking around the bare motel room, the bathroom door creaked open. Bucky’s gaze remained downcast as the steam billowed from behind him. 

“Hey, Buck,” Steve whispered. Bucky looked up for a moment through his damp, stringy hair. 

“My hair used to be shorter, right?” Bucky’s brows pull together in confusion. Steve stands from the bed corner he was sitting on, movements slowed to not startle anyone. 

“Yeah-” Steve smiles, “it was real short, Buck.” Steve shook his head lightly, a chuckle played on his lips. “It was always so important to you, during the war, to keep everything clean. God, the Commandos gave you the hardest time for it, you would sit there for hours, sharpening a blade till it was ready.” 

Bucky stood very still, barely listening to the ramblings. “I don’t think I want it short.” 

“Yeah, of course. You can do whatever you want with your hair,” Steve nodded. Bucky straightened his back and rubbed a bit of his hair between metal thumb and pointer finger.

“I don’t think I want it like this either,” he muttered. Steve nodded again, rubbing his hands together. 

“Okay. What do you want then?” Steve asked. Bucky’s back hunched slightly and he slowly backs up until he is in the doorway of the bathroom. Steve raises his hands in defense, “you don’t have to say anything. I’m sorry, Buck.” 

“No!” Bucky shouts, still reserved in the doorway. “Uh, I want to cut my hair. I just- I don’t, um,” he whispers. 

“It’s okay. Just take your time, Buck,” Steve whispers. Bucky takes a deep breath before starting again. 

“I don’t think I can handle scissors near my neck.” Steve nods. 

“Okay, that’s okay Buck,” Steve reassures. Bucky slowly moves from the bathroom and over to the door, where he also checks the locks. He mutters quietly under his breath as he walks around the perimeter of the room, eyes scanning the surfaces vigorously. Steve sighs lightly, sitting back down on the bed and moving back until his back hits the pillows.

“I already secured the room. Just come lay down,” Steve says, his eyes softening as Bucky gets down on his knees to pull on the corner of the carpet. Bucky only throws a silencing glare his way. 

After a few minutes, Bucky deems the area safe and sits next to Steve on the bed. “Sorry,” he whispers. 

“It’s alright, Buck,” Steve says, “just get some sleep, okay?” Bucky nods and moves to get under the covers, leaving space between him and Steve. 

The night drags on, neither of them falling victim to the call of sleep. Steve slowly moves his hand, until it rests over Bucky’s flesh one. He flinches slightly at the contact, but his body melts into the mattress after a moment or two. 

“Did we- we used to do this too?” Bucky mumbles, his eyes not meeting Steves. 

“Yeah, sometimes we did.” Bucky rolls onto his side, facing Steve.

“If you want- I mean we can,” he blushes. Steve moves his hand to Bucky’s shoulder, rubbing slow circles into the skin.

“You sure?” Steve asks, and Bucky nods slowly. Enthusiastically, Steve rolls over and Bucky doesn’t know if it was muscle memory or instinct, but his arm wraps around Steve’s waist and pulls his back to his chest. The sigh that Steve lets out fills Bucky’s chest with an unidentified feeling. 

“This must have been easier when you were smaller, yeah?” Bucky chuckles. Steve lets out a noise caught between a sob and a laugh. 

“Yeah, yeah it was.”

**Author's Note:**

> just a blurb i wrote on tumblr a while ago


End file.
